Anxiety

I had a great plan for my first blog post, I journal-ed it and everything. I mapped out how I would introduce myself without boring the people who already knew me but filling in any stragglers that may have stumbled across my page. Being who I am, I procrastinated. I consistently had moments where I thought “I should write this out,” or “I know someone will get a kick out of my shitty day…” and I just never did it. I’m like that, I don’t do things. I don’t do school work, I don’t clean my room, and I certainly do not wash my hair.

Today, however, I was finally moved to do the damn thing. Not that today was particularly bad, or good for that matter, it was just another day. And that is so totally the point. Just another day. Just one of those days. If you have anxiety (or even suffer from shitty-life syndrome) you know exactly what I’m saying. Luckily for me, I seem to have both ailments. It could be a regular day, maybe you are slightly nervous or emotional about something, but don’t pay attention to it. Slowly, things build throughout the day, you still may not notice it. Then, all of a sudden the smallest and most seemingly insignificant thing will set you off. And once it starts, there is no going back.

Like I said, today was in no way exceptional. But it happened. It was one of those days. I started my second semester of graduate school today. Big whoop. I thought so too – obviously. The first day of classes at any age, and at any school, is going to bring stress. For me, stress triggers anxiety. Anxiety… what an asshole. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been dealing with this jerk, or why it comes and goes; but I can tell you that it’s bad. This particular first day of classes meant a few things for me; back to school (duh… everyone hates that), first time in school without my s.o. since freshman year of undergrad (that is 13 first days that I have had him to lean on), getting closer to his graduation (and to my being alone for an entire year), having to get to and go to the gym alone, and knowing that I will come home to an empty apartment. I did not think any of these things explicitly when I went to bed last night. Nor did they really cross my mind this morning. Nonetheless I was [inexplicably] anxious about going back to school. At some point it started snowing; it was cold, it was wet, and the campus closed… after I had finished classes and before I got a chance to go to the gym – something I was looking forward to all morning. One thing after another. One of those days. No matter that they were such stupid things. If we should “celebrate the small victories,” then I should “cry over the stupid things” right? When I got home I was expecting my s.o. to call me soon-ish, so I decided to wait to start my workout until after the call so that I could give both things my full attention. Little did I know, work did not close early for the snow day, and I ended up waiting around for two-and-a-half hours. By the time I finally got the call I was so excited to talk to him that I couldn’t get words out fast enough. Eventually I stopped being selfish and asked about his day; and that was it. Anxiety.

I didn’t invite you into my conversation. What the hell are you doing here? I have been looking forward to this call, and I cherish the few moments can get – but there it was, ruining things again. Sometimes, regardless of the intention behind a word, it can be a *trigger* – such a millennial concept, I know. But seriously. My s.o. didn’t say anything to hurt me or to make me upset, but with the build up, the emotion, the weather, and the anxiety of the day; a meaningless comment sent me over the edge. I began crying (I do that a lot…) and shut down. I wanted to hang up, but I didn’t want to hang up. If I hung up, he would know that I’m upset and that’s good, right? But if I hung up then what if he got into an accident while driving? What if I make him upset with me? What if he doesn’t want to come visit this weekend? What if I want to talk to him later? Anxiety. So I start crying more because I cannot make a decision, the worst possible scenarios are vividly playing in my head, and I wish more than anything I just had someone to hold me while I cried. Thinking about the fact that I was upset, was making me even more upset… I had to hang up.

My appetite was gone. I didn’t work out. I got in a fight with my boyfriend. And I hate school. So then I cry even more. A lot more. For a long time more. The thing is, everyone experiences anxiety differently. Even I experience it differently depending on the day, the situation, and who I am with. Most of the time, however, it is emotionally crippling. It absolutely stops my life. I lose all desire to do anything, I mean anything. I won’t move from where I am, making my body move feels like a chore and mentally exhausts me to even think about. In the height of it, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I shut people out. My heart and my chest physically hurt. I get a lump in my throat, and at some point I can’t breathe. I lose my desire to live for a period. My anxiety plunges deeper and deeper, and hurts more and more. It is debilitating. The worst part is, is that you often don’t know when you’ll be set off, or when you’ll be okay again. For a moment you are in an empty endless space with no concept of time or reality. Nothing else matters in that moment.

After I finally pulled myself together, it was 8:00 pm. The day was over. My evening gone. And that made me upset. To distract myself, I forced myself to eat. I Snapchatted a few friends who I knew would understand, and cherished their responses which made me feel not so alone. By now I’m (mostly) over it, and am feeling okay (after half a tube of cookie dough).

I was a little apprehensive about this post being my first one. But one of my reasons for starting this blog was to share my story; to give others a common thread, and to let people know that they are not alone in their obstacles (and joys!). So here it is. I dropped you right in the middle of it. I’ll write a super short bio/update so that some of this life stuff makes sense and link it eventually.

Anyway, that was my day. My horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. For anyone out there, anxiety, shitty-life, or not, who is having one of those days. It will pass, you will get through it, life sucks – but we gotta do it. Tomorrow is a new day; keep your hopes and spirits high and good things will follow.

Sincerely,

Dri